Today is a “good” day. I’m not as tired as I have been, although I did have a little cat nap at 9am this morning.
My car is broke again. Stupid belt. My car guy is looking at it now, hopefully he’ll fix it soon. I miss my car! You know how hard it is to not have a car! Because my car is broke, I haven’t been able to take Kadence to school. Today is the second day she’s stayed home. She’s ok with it for now, but I worry about how she’s going to act if she doesn’t get to go tomorrow. You know how much she loves school!
Jake brought home an awesome report card the week you died. I know you would have been so proud of him! Daniel and I gave him $2 for bringing up all of his grades and Dad bought him a new Spiderman action figure. We were all so proud of him for doing so well! But then the very next week he lied to us about not having any homework. So he’s been grounded since then. Hopefully he’s learned his lesson and can continue to do well in school. (And don’t be mad that we grounded him! Jeez! He lied to us and it’s not the end of the world, he’ll be un-grounded soon!)
Baby L is getting bigger. I wish you could have felt him kick! He’s been busy flipping around in there. I’m really surprised that he’s not under my ribs yet, but I’m sure he will be soon. Kadence and Jake (especially Jake!) loved to park their little butts under my ribs! LOL Do you remember that? I’ve got 11 more weeks until I get to see our baby boy! I know you’ll be there, you wouldn’t miss it for the world! And there’s no way I can kick you out of the room this time! LOL
Michelle made homemade chicken and noodles and peach pie for us! She made some for Dad too. Not quite as good as yours, but it’s still good. Reminds me of you. Makes me miss you so much! I don’t think anyone can ever cook as good as you! I really want some of your chicken dumplings! Those are often imitated, but NEVER duplicated! You really did make the best dumplings!
I miss you every day, Momma! And I love you a ton!
I’ll never forget the call I got from Brandi telling me to get over there. I was so scared, but I knew I had to be calm. The kids were in bed, and Daniel didn’t really want me to go alone. But there was no way for him to go with me. I told him I’d be alright. You know I can’t drive at night (something I got from you). So I drove as carefully as I could. I got about halfway to Michelle’s house when Brandi called me again. She said you were gone. I don’t really remember driving the rest of the way, but I do remember feeling numb. I remember walking into the house and seeing Brandi and Michelle sitting at the table crying. I remember walking in farther and seeing Misty crying. And a little bit farther I saw Dad sitting next to your bed, his glasses resting on your leg, holding your hand, his head on the bed beside you. And I remember seeing you. Well, not YOU you, but the woman who took over your body after your kidneys shut down.
I remember I didn’t look at you for very long. I didn’t want to think about that image every time I though of you. So I walked into the other room to be by myself. I sat on the couch and cried. By myself. Because I’m not the type of person that likes to cry in front of others. Did you know, Momma, that to this day (almost two weeks later) that I’ve still not let Daniel see me cry? I just can’t do it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t cry for you.
I cry because I miss you. I cry because I think you’re mad at me. I cry because you didn’t ask to see me during those last few days, but you asked to see Tessa. I cry because just 5 years ago you were coming to my house weekly with new clothes for the baby. I cry because I don’t think you really knew what you were doing when you stopped dialysis. I cry because after days of being too weak to make a peep, you screamed not once, but twice before you took your final breath. I cry because I wonder what those screams mean.
I love you, Momma. And I really do hope you’re at peace now.
It’s been one whole week since you left us. I’m able to sleep now. And by “sleep” I mean I don’t have to cry myself to sleep anymore. When I close my eyes, I’m able to see YOU, not the woman that was laying in that bed. I know now that the woman in that bed was not my momma. I’m beginning to remember the little things about our time together.
For instance, Danny and I went out to eat at Applebees the other day. We sat in the bar area. And for some reason I remembered the time you took me to Applebees. We sat in the bar area, back by the kitchen. We ordered mudslides and we ate. You took me out because you said I never took time out for myself. You said I was always stuck in the house and you wanted me to get out for a while. So we ate and drank our mudslides and laughed. I’ve been to Applebees a million times since that day, but I somehow remember it like it was yesterday. It’s kind of funny how that happens. I miss you, Momma!
Jake has good days and bad days. His good and bad days mainly rely on whether or not I’m having a good day or bad day. Jake does a good job trying to make me feel better. And I feel bad getting upset in front of him, you know he’s so sensitive. But I tell him it’s ok to cry. And it’s ok to get upset. And it’s ok to talk to me or Daddy about how he’s feeling. I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better, but I can’t even make myself feel better. Does that make me a bad mom? Jake misses you so much.
Kadence doesn’t really understand. She didn’t know Mama like Jake knew Mama. She knew the sick Mama. And she knows that Mama isn’t sick anymore and doesn’t have to go to the hospital. She does her best to make me feel better too. I wish she could have known the REAL mama! I bet she would have been just as attached to you as Jake was! God knows how much you love your grandkids! And you’d be so proud of how good she’s doing in school! Kadence is very excited about the new baby. I wish you could be here to see how she does with him!
Momma, I’m trying very hard not to be angry with you. I know you were in pain all the time. I know you hated going to the hospital. I know you were depressed. I know you missed your sister Sandy. I know all of that. But I’m angry that your children weren’t enough for you. I’m angry that your grandchildren weren’t enough for you. I’m pissed off that you won’t be here to see Baby L. I’m pissed off that you took your own life and didn’t take anyone else’s feelings into consideration. How selfish can you be? While you’re pain free now, the rest of us are suffering, hurting. How is that fair?
I’ll work on not being mad at you. I know you only did what was best for you. I love you, Momma! And I’ll see you again someday.