Archive | October 2012

Getting easier

Dear Momma,

I’ve noticed that in the last couple of months life has gotten a little easier for me.  I still miss you like crazy, and I still get sad when I think about all the things you’re missing.  But for the most part I wake up, get the kids dressed and fed, and I do the whole “mom” thing.

But every once in a while, I catch myself staring at your picture and I can’t help but feel overcome with grief all over again.  It’s like you die again, every time I see that picture.  It feels like a semi truck has parked itself on my chest.  It gets hard to breath and I start to shake.   I feel like screaming, but I’m afraid if I do I won’t be able to stop.  I want to break things and punch the wall.  I want to lock myself in the bathroom and never come out.  And the scariest part?  Not even my kids can snap me out of it.

Momma, I wish I could say I’ve moved on and that I’m happy.  But I’m not.  And it’s worse because Dad thinks it’s ok to parade around the “her.”  And I understand you told him it was ok to be with “her.”  But Momma, you’ve only been gone 9 months tomorrow.  Nine months.  That’s it.  And I know they’ve been seeing each other for the better part of a decade, but you were the one he spent 30+ years with.  You’re the one he had children with.  You’re the one he vowed to love and honor.  I can’t stand to see them splashed all over Facebook together.  Did you  know they went to Cover Bridge together this year?  I was CRUSHED!  You always LOVED the Cover Bridge Festival!

Which brings me to Thanksgiving.  How the hell am I supposed to get through Thanksgiving without you?  That is your favorite holiday.  I remember going to dad and your house every year.  I’d watch you finish up the cooking.  And you and Dad would sneak pieces of food.  And you’d fight over the wish bone.  And Dad would usually beat you.  Well, except the year you cheated!  Which was awesome!  Haha  I didn’t think about it then, but now I kind of wonder if your wish came true.

If I could have one wish this Thanksgiving, it would be to somehow afford to make a trip to Kansas to spend Thanksgiving with my sisters.  It’s not like I want Dad to be alone that day.  Not at all.  But I have a feeling he’s going to have “her” over that day.  And I DO NOT want to see “her” on your favorite holiday.  And not to be mean, but she does not cook as good as you do.  I don’t want “her” Thanksgiving dinner.

Oh Momma.  That heavy feeling is back and I’ve got tears in my eyes.  The kids are playing on the floor in front of me, and I don’t want them to see me this way.  I must have been lying when I said it was getting easier.  This is not “easy” at all.  It will never get easy.  I’m going to live with this pain the rest of my life.  Seven stages of death, my ass.  I’m past the anger, but I don’t think there’s any way past the sadness part.

Baby L is calling for me.  He’s probably hungry.  Again.  Jesus, I wish you could see that boy!

I love you Momma!  I’ll always love you.  Forever and ever.




He’s 6 months old now

Dear Momma,

I often wonder if you know that I had a baby since you’ve been gone.  His name is Lucas Leo and he’s absolute perfect.   Just like my older two.  But then, you already knew that about my other two kids.  You were there when they were born.  Going through labor without you was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

You were in the room with Jake was born.  And you stood right outside my door when I had Kadence.  I feel like such a bitch for not letting you in that day.  I wish I could turn back time and let you in to see Kadence be born.  I’m sorry I made you miss it.  You were the only person from either family to come when she was born.  Which was amazing since you had just been released from the hospital that morning.  But come  hell or high water you were NOT going to miss it.  And I think that’s why I’m so heartbroken that you would miss this one.

Lucas was a HUGE baby, Momma!!  I couldn’t believe it!  He was 7lbs 15oz.  Can you believe I’d have such a monster of a baby?  Haha!  But things didn’t go so good with his delivery.  I think something was wrong with him, because they didn’t put him on my chest after he came out.  They took him straight to cleaning station thingy and they had to give him oxygen.  It took him a little while to cry.  I was so scared, Momma!  I know that if you had been there, you’d know exactly what was going on.  But you weren’t there.  I was there alone.  Of course Daniel was there.  And Michelle and Tessa were in the room too.   (Yeah, I can’t believe Tess would want to stay in the room, either.  But she did.  She’s the one that asked if she could stay!)  Dad was outside the door.  He didn’t want to come in, couldn’t bring himself to come in the room.  But I FELT like I was alone.  I needed you, Momma.  And you weren’t there for me.

His first apgar was 5.  That’s the lowest score any of my kids have ever gotten.  His second apgar score was 8, which is fine, but still fairly low for my kids.

Afterwards Lucas did great!  We all held him.  We all kissed him.  And then Debbie brought J and K up to the hospital.  And we all held L again.  And we all kissed him again.  And J was instantly in love with his little brother.  Instantly.  I wish you could have seen the love on his face.  I really couldn’t ask for a better big brother to K or L!  He’s the  best!

And K loves L too!  It’s so great to see them all together.  I wonder if you’re able to see them?

Anyways, L was a very “sleepy” baby.  He wouldn’t wake to breastfeed, but I was told that was normal and that he’d start to wake up soon.  Then he was circumcised and they said it would make him sleepy, so I’d have to be extra aggressive to get him to wake to nurse.  Then we went home.  L had jaundice, which is nothing new to us.  You remember both J and K had it also.  But L had it bad.  So bad that I had to bring him back to the hospital where they had him admitted to the peds ward.  I was crushed.  I was scared.

Dad did his best to comfort me.  But we were at Union Hospital.  Dad has a hard time going to Union Hospital.  He HATES going up there.  I think it hurts him too much to be there.  But he did try.  He did come and visit.  I was crying when Dad came up the first time.  And I could tell he felt so helpless, too.  I knew he was thinking of you, Momma.  So he didn’t say anything.  He just sat with me and we both cried.  I miss you so much, Momma.  I’d do almost anything to get you back.

So, long story short, L is perfect now.  He is such a great little boy!  Extremely handsome!  I just know you’d be head over heels in love with this boy!  But I’m so lost without you!  You’ve always been there to reassure me.  You were always there when I had questions.  This is my third child and I’m 25-ish years old.  You’d think I’d know what I was doing by now.  But I don’t.  I need you to tell me that it’s  ok that L just started rolling from belly to back.  I need you to tell me that it’s ok he can’t roll at all from back to belly.

I just need YOU, Momma.

I love you forever,