It’s been one whole week since you left us. I’m able to sleep now. And by “sleep” I mean I don’t have to cry myself to sleep anymore. When I close my eyes, I’m able to see YOU, not the woman that was laying in that bed. I know now that the woman in that bed was not my momma. I’m beginning to remember the little things about our time together.
For instance, Danny and I went out to eat at Applebees the other day. We sat in the bar area. And for some reason I remembered the time you took me to Applebees. We sat in the bar area, back by the kitchen. We ordered mudslides and we ate. You took me out because you said I never took time out for myself. You said I was always stuck in the house and you wanted me to get out for a while. So we ate and drank our mudslides and laughed. I’ve been to Applebees a million times since that day, but I somehow remember it like it was yesterday. It’s kind of funny how that happens. I miss you, Momma!
Jake has good days and bad days. His good and bad days mainly rely on whether or not I’m having a good day or bad day. Jake does a good job trying to make me feel better. And I feel bad getting upset in front of him, you know he’s so sensitive. But I tell him it’s ok to cry. And it’s ok to get upset. And it’s ok to talk to me or Daddy about how he’s feeling. I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better, but I can’t even make myself feel better. Does that make me a bad mom? Jake misses you so much.
Kadence doesn’t really understand. She didn’t know Mama like Jake knew Mama. She knew the sick Mama. And she knows that Mama isn’t sick anymore and doesn’t have to go to the hospital. She does her best to make me feel better too. I wish she could have known the REAL mama! I bet she would have been just as attached to you as Jake was! God knows how much you love your grandkids! And you’d be so proud of how good she’s doing in school! Kadence is very excited about the new baby. I wish you could be here to see how she does with him!
Momma, I’m trying very hard not to be angry with you. I know you were in pain all the time. I know you hated going to the hospital. I know you were depressed. I know you missed your sister Sandy. I know all of that. But I’m angry that your children weren’t enough for you. I’m angry that your grandchildren weren’t enough for you. I’m pissed off that you won’t be here to see Baby L. I’m pissed off that you took your own life and didn’t take anyone else’s feelings into consideration. How selfish can you be? While you’re pain free now, the rest of us are suffering, hurting. How is that fair?
I’ll work on not being mad at you. I know you only did what was best for you. I love you, Momma! And I’ll see you again someday.
Your daughter, Cherie