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He’s 6 months old now

Dear Momma,

I often wonder if you know that I had a baby since you’ve been gone.  His name is Lucas Leo and he’s absolute perfect.   Just like my older two.  But then, you already knew that about my other two kids.  You were there when they were born.  Going through labor without you was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

You were in the room with Jake was born.  And you stood right outside my door when I had Kadence.  I feel like such a bitch for not letting you in that day.  I wish I could turn back time and let you in to see Kadence be born.  I’m sorry I made you miss it.  You were the only person from either family to come when she was born.  Which was amazing since you had just been released from the hospital that morning.  But come  hell or high water you were NOT going to miss it.  And I think that’s why I’m so heartbroken that you would miss this one.

Lucas was a HUGE baby, Momma!!  I couldn’t believe it!  He was 7lbs 15oz.  Can you believe I’d have such a monster of a baby?  Haha!  But things didn’t go so good with his delivery.  I think something was wrong with him, because they didn’t put him on my chest after he came out.  They took him straight to cleaning station thingy and they had to give him oxygen.  It took him a little while to cry.  I was so scared, Momma!  I know that if you had been there, you’d know exactly what was going on.  But you weren’t there.  I was there alone.  Of course Daniel was there.  And Michelle and Tessa were in the room too.   (Yeah, I can’t believe Tess would want to stay in the room, either.  But she did.  She’s the one that asked if she could stay!)  Dad was outside the door.  He didn’t want to come in, couldn’t bring himself to come in the room.  But I FELT like I was alone.  I needed you, Momma.  And you weren’t there for me.

His first apgar was 5.  That’s the lowest score any of my kids have ever gotten.  His second apgar score was 8, which is fine, but still fairly low for my kids.

Afterwards Lucas did great!  We all held him.  We all kissed him.  And then Debbie brought J and K up to the hospital.  And we all held L again.  And we all kissed him again.  And J was instantly in love with his little brother.  Instantly.  I wish you could have seen the love on his face.  I really couldn’t ask for a better big brother to K or L!  He’s the  best!

And K loves L too!  It’s so great to see them all together.  I wonder if you’re able to see them?

Anyways, L was a very “sleepy” baby.  He wouldn’t wake to breastfeed, but I was told that was normal and that he’d start to wake up soon.  Then he was circumcised and they said it would make him sleepy, so I’d have to be extra aggressive to get him to wake to nurse.  Then we went home.  L had jaundice, which is nothing new to us.  You remember both J and K had it also.  But L had it bad.  So bad that I had to bring him back to the hospital where they had him admitted to the peds ward.  I was crushed.  I was scared.

Dad did his best to comfort me.  But we were at Union Hospital.  Dad has a hard time going to Union Hospital.  He HATES going up there.  I think it hurts him too much to be there.  But he did try.  He did come and visit.  I was crying when Dad came up the first time.  And I could tell he felt so helpless, too.  I knew he was thinking of you, Momma.  So he didn’t say anything.  He just sat with me and we both cried.  I miss you so much, Momma.  I’d do almost anything to get you back.

So, long story short, L is perfect now.  He is such a great little boy!  Extremely handsome!  I just know you’d be head over heels in love with this boy!  But I’m so lost without you!  You’ve always been there to reassure me.  You were always there when I had questions.  This is my third child and I’m 25-ish years old.  You’d think I’d know what I was doing by now.  But I don’t.  I need you to tell me that it’s  ok that L just started rolling from belly to back.  I need you to tell me that it’s ok he can’t roll at all from back to belly.

I just need YOU, Momma.

I love you forever,